Being a Woman
It wasn’t easy for me to write this article. Talking from personal experience can be difficult. But I share this with the hope that it might encourage other women.
Of course I can only write from one woman’s perspective, my own, and somehow that doesn’t feel good enough. But if I have learnt anything from the strong women around me it’s that it is always enough and you have to believe so and put your level of influence, no matter how small, to the benefit of those other women around you. So, I encourage those reading this — let us each and individually be heard. Don’t keep quiet because you don’t think your story is worth sharing, or hearing, because if that’s what you’re thinking, then you are 100% very wrong.
Diving into Sheryl Sandberg’s Lean In book I started to realise how impacted I had been by the words and behaviour of male leaders in my life. Recently I started to furiously write down words and labels that had been spoken about me. Judith, you are aggressive, too strong, earnest to a fault. I have even be likened to a dog on more than one occasion. All in an attempt, I believe, to have me just calm down a bit, to not be too ‘eager’. Reading Sheryl’s story made me realise I was not the only one. Us ladies laugh off hurtful words and judgements from others, especially if those comments subscribe to what society would deem fair or usual for a female (this goes for males too). If she is driven, she comes off too strong, if he is driven he comes off as a leader. Go figure.
The centre of the paradox doesn’t rest there, it’s that women also often feel compelled to be the “good girl” in the room and lack the confidence to challenge this. Recently, sitting in a room full of adult men I felt compelled to give up my chair, the last and only chair, to a latecomer because I thought it was the “right” thing to do. Of course this man was more than happy to take my seat and none of the men in the room flinched. It was only later that I realised how mad I was by this. This is rather anodyne compared to what other women face, I know this but it goes to the same truth — we often feel less superior than men. We struggle to maintain meekness and humility whilst also holding on to grit and confidence. We can’t always shift the blame on men for feeling this way, we have to take ownership of our part. And so from this I take away two lessons: rise up and be all that I can be and try and influence the world for the good of other women around me; and, shake off useless words and mindsets which aren’t truths at all.
So on the first lesson — to be all that I can be. This is almost entirely about confidence. Yes opportunity is important but to encourage women to be confident is to encourage them to rise up to be equal (and beyond). It’s like saying, don’t aim for the moon, aim for a new universe. Let your rocket go as far as it can take you because the first mile will be hard but once you break free from gravity, the sky no longer is the limit. That’s what this is all about. Not simply offering equitable job opportunities. (Another way to frame this is courage — have the courage to seize the opportunities that are in front of you.)
A woman’s confidence is to be nurtured in the family, culture and community she is in. Having lived in Japan for a few years, a society where women still struggle to be treated at the same level as men in society, I consider myself blessed to have grown up in New Zealand. Things are changing in Japan, I have seen shifts in the few years I have been here. I cheer for these changes and wish to encourage any and all Japanese women to rise up and speak up at meetings, put their hand up for more responsibilities and publicly receive credit for their hard work. Publicly praising women can spur them on and those around them. Confident women who share with humility seem to have a snowball effect on other women around them — it’s like something rises up within our bellies and we get ready to war on the challenges in front of us.
On the second truth — shake-off old mindsets and untruths. Who said you can’t raise kids at 40 and have a good career? Who said you have to marry. Who said your husband or partner can’t be the one to stay at home and raise the kids if your true calling is the marketplace. Who said you’re not as every bit of a success as a business woman or leader if you choose to stay at home and be a mum. Who said you can’t become a senior authority figure in typically male-dominated industries like tech, military, finance. Who said you can’t wear bright outfits or look feminine at an interview or mention some personal family-related stories in a meeting to convey your point. Don’t be fooled — professionalism and feminism aren’t at odds. Professionalism is beyond your outside appearance, it is an authenticity and trustworthiness in your work style. If being friendly or chatty is your personality, or not, it doesn’t make you less of a woman or too much of a woman.
Truthfully we need to take responsibility for correcting our own misperceptions. Whilst my Christian faith does teach me to serve, rather than be served, it doesn’t teach me to be subservient or unintelligible. In fact, Jesus was the ultimate champion of women, just read about some of his interactions with women and how he defended them before religious leaders. Knowing the truth gives you confidence. It’s true, some references seem outdated in the Bible but it’s because they were correct for that culture and context at that time (thousands of years ago). And these references are extremely few.
And so here lies the paradox, as a woman I want to be kind and gentle yet strong and driven. Can we be both? Absolutely. And what’s the key to success? There is none. Both men and women have to decide for themselves what kind of attitude (and the actions that go with that) to pursue and be purposeful about it. Don’t let labels from others cause you to try and reshape yourself to fit their expectations. Take each International Women’s Day as an opportunity to reflect on where you are at with these topics and readjust the dials if you’ve strayed off course (or shrunk back). Politely shake the dusty words off your shoes from critics who didn’t have constructive or empowering feedback for you and move on. You’ve got big things ahead that only you can do. And in your new found freedom, don’t forget to stay mindful and thoughtful about how you bring others on the journey with you — both women and men. There’s no sense getting all the way to the moon and finding your alone. This a journey best done together.